Egomaniacs

A few days ago, I had a rehearsal at home with one other musician.

Even though we knew each other before, we had never played or rehearsed as a duo.

The rehearsal was going very well. We were trying out and selecting the repertoire and there was a nice, relaxed atmosphere which is something that greatly favors creativity and allows the music to flourish naturally.

After some time had passed and we were well into the rehearsal, he said something as a compliment: “it´s easy and refreshing to play music like this without having to deal with big egos from others.”

It took me by surprise.

Lately, I´m very much used to traveling and performing on my own, with no other musicians. Chamber music or ensemble projects are a rare exception. Therefore, I don´t have to deal with things like the big egos of other musicians.

This has kept me thinking about it all week, and I suddenly remember the countless instances of tense moments because someone wants a bit more protagonist than the others, or their name to be billed first, or purposely play louder than the rest, etc.

What a way to waste time and energy!

I´ve had to deal with that myself, since once you´re in the “field”, so to speak, you are inevitably drawn to imitate the behavior of others. And I did play a lot in ensembles years ago.

In the end, I discovered that in my case, it was insecutiry. I guess that it might be the most common root of that problem.

Insecurity of not playing well enough, so you overcompensate by trying to prove yourself to others all the time. This translates to playing louder, imposing your points of view onto others, or simply eliminating the possibility that you might be doing it wrong.

Insecurity of not being good enough.

Now that is all past me. Because I know for a fact that I´m not good enough. And I embrace it.

I´m not good enough but not for any other person than myself.

That doesn´t mean that I´m punishing myself or thinking that I have little or no worth. No, not at all.

What I mean (and everyone is entitled to have their own way of defining what they go through) is that I am in an eternal learning path. I will never be good enough.

I will never have achieved the ultimate level of performance. There´s always room for improvement.

I will never have achieved the highest degree of musicianship, nor will I ever be the best musician in the world. That simply doesn´t exist.

I can only embrace the fact that me, just like everyone, am in the eternal game of discovering myself.

And that makes me more tolerant to others as well. Even to egomaniacs.

Have a great day, and a great weekend.

Claudio.

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